I don’t want to get to a weight severely below a healthy BMI.
I don’t want to see every little bone in my body poke out and I don’t want to collapse doing normal stuff, like checking the mail or taking a shower.

I want to be thin. Hell, I want to be perfect. But I don’t want to die.

And I hate the body I’m in. It’s why I can’t stand the happy-go-lucky weightloss people who, despite their overly large physique, still talk about how much more positive they’re being about their body and the way they look and their progress.

I’m sorry, I can’t identify with that. I admire their determination and in a way I envy the feelings they harbor about themselves. I wish I wasn’t so negative.

But let me say this: I don’t understand how someone can sit there and say, you have to lose weight but you also have to like the body you have right now, appreciate it, pick out your favorite part about it.

Um, come the fuck on, I’m fat, when people are fat, they’re not exactly beautiful and it doesn’t look right when the fat doesn’t stay put. Only a few lucky people seem meant to be fat because it’s normal on them, sexy, even but that’s not me. And while both the pretty fat people and the ugly fat people need to lose weight, there is no way in hell I could look in the mirror and go, ‘Ya know, you do look pretty good. Let’s go for a run to celebrate.’

No, how about, let’s go for a run cos you’re a fat lard oh wait, that’s right, you can’t because you have asthma and while you know it’s not because you’re overweight, you don’t care! Physical induced asthma just makes you look like a heifer and like you’re out of shape.

This is just me seeing myself for what I feel I am. I’m not picking on others with this logic of mine. If you are overweight and you still like yourself and your body, kudos to you, you have me in awe, I respect that. But I just can’t think the same of myself.

Which is why I most identify with the girls who cut calories, measure their food, obsess over being in places with people where there is food present. I identify the most with the bingers and purgers out there. I was there at one point. I hope I never go there again.
I identify with the girls who watch others stuff themselves and talk them down inside their heads.
I identify with the girls who are self-conscious, reserved and afraid of physical contact only because they don’t know what the other person is thinking.
I identify with these people. I am these people. I’m that kind of girl.

I’m sorry if others think I should find another group just because I won’t eat grapefruit and celery all day long or run an hour on a treadmill (which I can’t, tbh, I don’t have an inhaler yet and I really don’t want to die on a treadmill…)
I don’t do positive body image. I’m all for it, I try to have others see themselves in a better light, but when I myself look into a mirror, sometimes, I just want to die or, better yet, crawl into my bed, turn the lights off, draw the curtains and not get out until I’ve wasted away. (I won’t, I promise)