So, I’m going to be blunt because, with something like this, there’s nothing left to do but bare all truth.
There’s this girl, woman, whichever, woman technically but I call them all ‘girl’. She’s beautiful, intriguing, has the same name as me and that’s probably all I know.
She makes coffee and might possibly be the new manager at our local Starbucks.
And I really, really like her.
She gives me these vibes, the way she talks to me, looks at me. And I’m always doubting if someone’s flirting with me and that only happens when they actually are. And when she asked me my name the other day, and I told her, and she told me that was hers as well, she got a little side tracked and awkward forgetting the drink I had ordered, hurrying to get it finished.
The thing is, I’m so terribly insecure with myself that I would never get into a relationship with her or anyone else for that matter. It’s always so much safer to daydream about the ‘what ifs’.
So, my challenge, my goal, for myself and the sake of my emotions, I can’t let whatever is happening go any further until I can fit into these really nice cargo, deep olive green pants I have, with the buttons on the calves, cute pockets. If I can fit into those again, I’ll allow myself the sweet privilege of pursuing something I can only believe is unreal and entirely out of my reach.
The most twisted part of all of this is that we’re both what one would call ‘fat’. It’s just the way things are. As strange as it may seem, I’ve no problem with it on others. It’s just me. I hate myself. I probably always will. I can’t even accept that she’d be attracted to me the way I am. I can’t settle for the present.
It hurts to think of her. It depresses me only because it’ll never be a fairytale. It will never be a perfect relationship. It won’t go anywhere. It’ll just be something I’ll ruin in the end because I’ll starve myself even more if and when we’re together.
What have I done in my past life to deserve the current? It’s a wonder that I haven’t killed myself yet. After all this time, even. After all the pain, the mess I’ve created and dug myself further into.